On Delayed....Gratification

I am generally not a patient person. If I want something, I want all of it and I want it now. Only recently have I become acutely aware of this and have realized that it is in fact, not my best feature (that would be my lovely, lovely ass).

His name is Jeffery.

Wednesday was my day off. I usually work on whatever script I happen to be avoiding the rest of the week. Not coincidentally that is the day in which I smoke many, many cigarettes. The combination of not being distracted by work and the effort I put into writing often results in a whirlwind of nicotine, iced tea and many sessions of laser pointer vs. cat.

It's weird having a day off in the middle of the week. If my roommate isn't home, I'm usually alone with no one to talk to until everyone I know gets done with work. Most days it's fine, I appreciate the alone time, but I will confess the solitude can drive me a bit bonkers. Left to my own devices, I have the potential to get very bored, very quickly. Which is why I usually filled these lonely gaps with excessive cigarette smoking.

As I began to think about quitting, I realized I had to figure out why I started smoking at all. After sitting in Rodin's "The Thinker" pose for nearly five hours (and having my fist fall asleep) I came to the conclusion that one of my core beliefs, an organizing principle through which I approach life, is that no matter what I do, I am always preparing myself for the worst to happen. But, if I'm constantly waiting for bad news to erupt like a xenomorph out of John Hurt's chest then how am I supposed to enjoy anything? It's funny, I wouldn't define myself as a pessimist, but here we are.

"What does this have to do with smoking," you say, "why am I even reading this blog when there are Nigerian princes in desperate need of my time and attention?"

Well sir or ma'am, smoking is an immediate act of gratification. When you inhale nicotine smoke the chemicals go all the way to your brain resulting in the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Now excuse me while I recklessly disregard the fundamental complexities of neurochemistry and jump straight to the fact that when dopamine is released that shit makes you feel good, like taking a bath in ice cream cake good.

The next morning his trachea fell out. It truly was the best spring break ever.

So on one hand cigarettes give you this brief neurochemical high where your brain gets these neat little neurotransmitters that swing by and say things like:

"Oh hey brain, you look hot in those capri pants!"

and

"Why no brain, your fauxhawk isn't lame at all"

Yet, while these awesome little dopamines are chilling with your brain, their crazy friends, Nicotine, Ammonia and that dick Carbon Dioxide have come over, gone uninvited into your lungs, started using foul language, getting really drunk and are being just generally unpleasant.

"Oh god, fine! Don't use a coaster!"

That new iPod your brain just got? Well, Ammonia got wasted on some left over PBRs and pissed on it.

That photo your brain took of a homeless guy for its college photography class? Nicotine thought it would look much better if it was microwaved.

And oh man, Carbon Dioxide, he's about to post this as your brain's Facebook status:


Yeah, like I said... dicks.

Moving on.

Me, being the impatient man-child who has problems with delayed gratification, I took to cigarettes like a bum to Cisco. Because I operate under the condition that the other shoe is always going to drop, I'm constantly searching for gratification that is stress-free and immediate. Enter sweet Nikki Nicotine, the ruin of many a poor lung.

That is a part of why I'm quitting. It isn't only that cigarettes are terrible for me, they also represent a fundamental flaw in myself that I can no longer tolerate. I have to accept that whether I like it or not, bad things are going to happen, the trick being that I probably shouldn't expect them to. But in order to avoid the future I've either actively done nothing or overcompensated and done too much.

So I'm going to become friends with delayed gratification.

I'm not going to smoke cigarettes anymore because I'm accepting that while I may feel stressed out and overwhelmed in the moment, I doubt I will feel like that forever.

I'm not going to be afraid to write, because while the first draft may be shit, I can always improve it later.

If there's a girl I like, who I think is awesome in every way and who seems like one in a million, I'm not going to freak out over whether she'll call me back or not. If she's really that cool, she will.

Delayed gratification, I think this could be the start of something beautiful.

Thanks for everyone's support. Today was rough. I have some cool plans for this blog that I'm hoping I'll be able to pull off. If you've read this far: I lurv u. Enjoy the track.


Vlad Avdeyev - "Après Moi (Regina Spektor cover)"